Getting an ex back is a challenging pack of Mamba meat. What does that mean? I have no fucking clue. But let’s stick with it. Here’s what I do know, though. If you intend to get your ex back, you need to avoid four particular mistakes at all costs.
Seriously. The chances of getting your ex back are already freaking low. You can’t afford to lower them even further. Nor do you want to, I assume.
Mistake #1: Being needy or lacking emotional maturity
Your attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy you are. The less needy you are, the more attractive your ex will find you on average. The more needy you are, the less attractive your ex will find you on average.
It’s that simple.
Neediness is when you put others’ opinions, views, values, thoughts, and desires above your own. It’s when you place a higher priority on the perceptions of others than the perception of yourself. It’s when your actions are motivated by the wants of others rather than those of yourself.
Neediness makes a person performs a myriad of behaviors that only push an ex — and everyone else — away. Let’s go over the most frequent ones I see time and time again.
Begging your ex to come back: Regardless of the contents of your text, call, or in-person conversation, begging someone to come back is the equivalent of an atomic bomb for their attraction — it makes it plummet into oblivion.
Inventing odd reasons to contact them: “I just saw this movie, and it reminded me of you.” “How’s your family doing? Did your dad heal his broken foot yet?” We both know the real intention behind these messages. It’s not about the movie or their dad. It’s about escaping limbo-land and getting clarity about the chances of getting back together. People can sense this instantly — your ex can sense your real intentions for messaging them — and it never ends well.
Texting and calling them too frequently: Four texts in a row won’t get your ex back any faster. Nor will ten calls a day. If you have a problem with obsessively staying in contact with your ex, please, throw your phone away. Go no-contact. Go on a social media detox. Do something. Maybe even throw your entire computer away.
Making grand gestures: Preparing an extravagant dinner date on a yacht with expensive vine, fireworks, and a singing sailor band next to you only works in movies. In real life, you’ll just be labeled as a creep, a try-hard, a spineless pleaser. As a result, you’ll quickly get rejected. Save your cheezy gestures for an actual partner if you must, not exes.
Giving ultimatums: “Either we get back together this week, or I’m never talking to you again!” Sure… that totally works. Pressuring someone and making ultimatums rarely results in a healthy and mutually beneficial decision.
Turning into a spineless pleaser: This is the person with little to no sense of self-respect or self-esteem. It’s someone who lacks the most basic personal boundaries and allows everyone to push them around, use them, and, in the end, discard them. Oh yeah, this is also the person who dreams about making that grand and sexy gesture for their ex that we mentioned earlier.
Stalking your ex: “I’m just going to check her Facebook profile. Don’t worry; I’m over her. I just want to see if she posted any updates about her lost puppy” Sure, man. Sure, it’s just about the puppy updates (pupdates?) Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Forming unhealthy beliefs about the opposite sex: “My ex left me for someone else. What an asshole. Men are all evil assholes.” Hopefully, you realize that these beliefs are nothing but fallacies — such that keep people heartbroken and single for a long time.
Whether you’re trying to get your ex back, attract someone else, or are in the middle of saving your relationship, neediness has the potential to buttfuck your success away and makes it 10x harder to ever get your love life to where you want it to be.
So, how does one rid themselves of neediness? Well, one doesn’t. You can never free your mind of neediness. But, you can learn how to manage it. I’ve written an entire article on this that you can read here. But in short, this is done by jumping headfirst into stacks and racks of self-improvement, which elegantly brings me to my next point.
Mistake #2: Not participating in self-improvement
As said, to manage neediness successfully — and lessen the power of the densest barrier to getting your ex back — you have to indulge in self-improvement.
- Overcome your shame, anxiety, and intimacy problems.
- Rebuild your self-esteem and confidence.
- Become more self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and resilient.
- Get your well-being in order — your sleep, diet, and mental health.
- Learn how to set solid personal boundaries, discover who you’re compatible with, how to love the right way.
- Uncover who you really are, what you value, what you stand for.
The list can go on and on.
Self-improvement is paramount when you’re trying to get your ex back. Yet, most people still ignore this; they still try to pull down all the proverbial blinders and shut themselves off from the harsh light of the truth.
“Fuck self-improvement,” they say! “I want my ex back now!” So they hunt down all the tricks, tips, tactics, the mind games they can find. All while neglecting the fact that if they get their ex back by those unethical ways, the chances of keeping them are next to nothing.
Look, self-improvement is not only the best way of winning your ex back but also the best way to build lasting and healthy relationships with just about anyone. You’ll never be able to do this if you rely on tactics, games, and gimmicks.
Speaking of tactics, games, and gimmicks…
mistake #3: Relying on tactics, games, and gimmicks
Don’t communicate with your ex for 21/30/40/60 or 90 days (depending on which fake guru you listen to). And if your ex reaches out during this no contact, ignore them.
But wait! When this period ends, initiate a conversation or respond to one that they may have commenced X of days ago. And be sure you always end your conversations first.
Power play, baby!
Also, while reaching out, use a curiosity hook so they won’t be able to ignore your message. Something like, “You won’t believe what just happened.”
That’ll get em’ hooked!
You can even experiment with a good-memory text or the green-eyed monster text; you know, the one aimed at making your ex jealous. It goes like this, “Hey, what’s the name of that cool pizza place in your town? I want to take my new friend there. ”
Talking about jealousy, post pictures of yourself with other attractive people and wait to see how your ex responds. And while you’re at it, ask some of those people to tag you in their photos.
Oh, you devil, you!
And when they reach out, don’t forget to take your time to respond (3 to 5 hours at least) and act indifferent when replying. This approach will make them want, miss, and chase you more. They may even become totally obsessed with you!
At that point, take the shot and invite them on a date. When on it, don’t forget to go slow, avoid any negative conversational topics, and never talk about the breakup or a new relationship. In fact, let the reconciliation be your exes idea — or let them think, it’s their idea.
Do I need to go on?
Is this what passes as reliable “get your ex back” advice nowadays? Seriously. Are people that fucking stupid? Is our generation filled with quick-fix-solution junkies with no morals? Or am I just too old to understand all of this?
It doesn’t matter whether Clay Andrews gave you permission to do this, if Dan Bacon urged you to do it, or if Coach Lee told you you have no other choice but to play your ex if you ever want to get their sweet, sweet ass back — you shouldn’t do it. Period.
Fuck the tricks, gimmicks, the ninja techniques, the damn mind games. And fuck you if you tried those things. Grow the fuck up. Be brave. Have respect. Dare to be vulnerable. Speak your truth. Risk failure with a smile.
If you want your ex back, tell them that. If they don’t want you back, they’ll let you know by either rejecting or ghosting you. But if it turns out that they do want you back, act like a mature and healthy person, and don’t overthink things.
Invite them out, have a good time, hook up, address your problems and promise each other that you’ll work on yourselves if needed, and hell, maybe you just might get back together eventually.
mistake #4: Buying a guru’s get-your-ex-back course
Ah yes, the final and ultimate mistake. Trusting a greedy “get your ex back” guru and buying their online program — the program that makes you fall for all the mistakes we mentioned till now.
These programs rarely address neediness or self-improvement. And even those who do, do it briefly and insufficiently. They just provide you with heaps of tactics, games, and gimmicks for getting your ex back.
But here’s the mind-fuckingly-bending relationship between these elements.
The more you rely on tactics, games, and gimmicks for getting your ex back, the needier you’ll grow. This is because by indulging in tactics, games, and gimmicks, you’re masking your neediness with indifference and other fake emotions. This is called suppression. You’re suppressing your neediness.
Unsurprisingly, this only backfires. Hard. According to psychology, the feelings and desires we repress only grow stronger and louder. It’s like when you tell yourself “Calm down” when you’re taking an important exam. You never calm down by saying that to yourself. On the contrary, you only get more nervous!
So, what’s self-improvement’s role in all of this?
Self-improvement acts as a mitigator of neediness. Without it, neediness will just roam freely, and in conjunction with your childless mind, games tactics, games, and gimmicks, only plague your mind further and prevent you from ever forming any lasting and healthy relationships.
As you can probably guess by now, these “get your ex back ” programs are a horrible investment of time and money. I’m not saying they can’t work; I’m saying that they rarely work long term.
In other words, you can get your ex back with the shady techniques they teach, but keeping that ex long term? Err… not likely gonna happen.
Because you’re never really addressing and learning from the mistakes that led to the whole breakup. Plus, your ex should also address and learn from their mistakes for the two of you to have a chance of getting back together and staying with one another.
This is harsh to hear, but don’t get me wrong. It’s not my intention to discourage you from getting your ex back. It may very well work out between the two of you. I just want you to not make any stupid mistakes and get them back the right way — a way where you maximize the odds of staying together.