Sexual polarity is a concept which states that sexual tension or sexual attraction is created by opposing masculine and feminine qualities in two people regardless of their gender.
The masculine qualities can be a person’s willingness to lead and handle decision-making, their urge to communicate thoughts and ideas bluntly, and their tendency to think logically.
Conversely, the feminine qualities can be a person’s inclination to act submissive, emotional, intuitive, and to stay focused on bonding and cultivating deeper and richer relationships.
Both masculine and feminine qualities are created, shaped, and influenced by two fundamental factors: biology and society. Our unique biology at birth grants us our first set of masculine and feminine qualities, while society influences and shapes them further.
The general consensus of sexual polarity goes like this: masculine qualities attract feminine qualities and vice versa (the end result is high sexual attraction), while two of the same qualities rebut each other (the end result is no sexual attraction).
Think of the concept in terms of magnets. Two magnets of the opposite poles attract, while two magnets of identical poles repel.
The confusion occurs when people realize that they possess both aspects of sexual polarity in them — the masculine and the feminine.
This stark realisation usually makes them ask, “how do I keep someone who’s, let’s say, feminine attracted to me if I also have feminine qualities? Won’t that cause imbalance in our relationship?”
This question brings us to our first dilemma.
While it’s true that we hold a mixed bag of both masculine and feminine qualities, we are always dominated only by one side. And that side is the one that counts and therefore, polarises the other person.
Let’s unpack this concept further.
If we imagine a spectrum where one side marks the spot of all drastic masculine qualities while the other side lists all the lavishing feminine qualities, our unique blend of these attributes would usually pluck us somewhere near the middle of the spectrum.
However, it’s almost never the case that we fall into the absolute middle — the gender neutral area. Instead, we would most often lean towards one extreme of the spectrum. And in this “leaning in” also hides the core concept that I’m trying to convey.
The side which we lean to also defines our primary essence, or in other words, a set of dominating behaviors and qualities, which can be either masculine or feminine. And this primary essence is the quality that influences what contrasting essence we attract.
Suppose your core quality, meaning the sum of all the tiny ones, is masculine. In that case, you’re probably going to attract feminine romantic prospects into your love life and somewhat repel the more masculine ones.
But, if your core quality is feminine, the opposite would happen. You would primarily get into romantic relationships with more masculine partners, or at least ones that are less feminine/more masculine than you.
Don’t get me wrong; exceptions do happen. We can pluck certain people on the extreme ends of the masculine-feminine spectrum I presented earlier. Meaning that they can be wholly masculine or wholly feminine, even to the point where it’s toxic. And at the same time, we even can pluck certain people in the exact middle of the spectrum.
When people hear what you just read, they often present me with another fun question.
“What if I want to be feminine/masculine for a while? Will my partner stop being sexually attracted to me at that point?
In short, no. You don’t have to live your life by the rules of sexual polarity, despite the social media buzz and hype around its importance. The whole thing is way less important for cultivating a healthy relationship than you might think.
In fact, obsessing about who’s the caregiver or caretaker, the masculine or feminine does more harm than good to a relationship and often keeps two people closed-off or emotionally stuck. The reality is that we shift between these two roles daily.
One second we might act more feminine and submit to our partner, while some other time, we would rather be the leader or the guy/gal who makes the tough decisions in our relationship, so we act in accordance to that desire.
To sum up, I’m convinced that sexual polarity is not only widely misunderstood but also a far less important contributor to the attraction between two lovers than what the general crowd believes.
In fact, I would even go as far as to say that rigid sexual polarity (the way it’s usually presented by self-help gurus like David Deida or Tony Robbins) is an outdated hypothesis that the modern world would easily live without.