Change Your Mind About Getting Your Ex Back

Welcome to another weekly newsletter, lovingly named the "Beyond The Breakup Newsletter." 

It's the newsletter that provides you with big ideas on how to grow and improve as a person and build better relationships so you can avoid a future breakup. 


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Along with the fancy weekly newsletter, I'm also going to give you access to 4 exercises that will help you stop obsessing over your ex as soon as you sign up.


This piece will not conform to our typical newsletter structure since it is a part of a recently extended and updated article titled, Change Your Mind About Getting Your Ex Back. I figured I should post the original somewhere. So here it is. Enjoy.

Getting an ex back is not about pursuing, chasing, learning what to say, or what to do. Getting an ex back is about making a change in your mindset, your self-perception, and your self-respect. It's as simple as changing your mind about getting your ex back. So, take a moment to consider...

...that instead of trying to prove yourself to your ex, you could realize you don't need to nor shouldn't try to prove yourself to anyone.

... that instead of trying to impress them, you could wonder if they'll work on impressing you.

...that instead of silently wondering what to say or do next to re-attract them, you could silently wonder what they'll say or do to re-attract you?

...that before you send them that fourth text message or call them up for the second time in a row, you could ask yourself if they texted or called you anytime beforehand?

... that instead of obsessing how you come across when you talk to them, you could focus on how they come across when they talk to you — are they invested, semi-invested, or turned off?

... that instead of declaring them as the "love of your life," you could start dating other people and realize that what you're carrying is a false belief — a fallacy.

… that instead of getting upset and pissed off when they don't want to get back together with you, you could decide that it means you probably wouldn't want to get back together with someone like that anyway?

This may all sound a bit selfish. But, in fact, it's called having firm boundaries, noteworthy self-respect, and high self-esteem. It's the equivalent of being a mature and healthy individual with standards and not a spineless, manipulative, immature, and shallow fuck.

Only make time for your ex if they make time for you. Only put effort into meeting your exes needs if they put in the effort to meet your needs. Only work on getting your ex back if they work on getting you back.

Maybe you think you're not strong or experienced enough to do these things. Maybe you think you're too needy or attached to your ex. Maybe you think you're too weak. And perhaps you're right about all of that.

But being right doesn't change the point. If you want a better chance at getting your ex back — hell, if you want a better chance of attracting any romantic interest — you'll have to work on changing your mind. There's no other way around it.

You'll have a much better chance of re-attracting your ex if you can be someone who they can respect, someone who they can trust, someone actually worth coming back to.

If you're constantly the only one fighting for their love, chasing after them, seeking approval, blowing up their phone, fussing about how they perceive you, and so forth, how can they ever respect, trust and love you?

Newsflash: they can't.

No one is attracted to or truly loves someone who they can't respect or trust. That's why you can have all the best tactics, strategies, and ninja tricks the greedy "get your ex back" gurus give you, and in the long run, still fail to win back and keep your ex.

get over an ex

Maybe you've already searched for tactics, strategies, and ninja tricks to win your ex back, to make them obsess about you, to make them lust for you. 

It's okay. We've all been there. Just know this.

The mindset those things produce only leads to unattractive behavior. It promotes anxiety, insecurity, and obsession. It encourages the need to impress, try too hard and say things that are not genuine, sincere, or ethical. It nurtures relational dysfunction and misery.

You are what attracts or repels your ex, not the tactics, strategies, and ninja tricks you use. If you aren't satisfied with the results you're getting, then it's time to improve yourself.

Change your mind about getting your ex back. Change your mind about yourself and change your results.

This new mindset that I'm conveying throughout this article leads to attractive behavior. It helps you freely express yourself instead of saying or doing what you think your ex wants you to say or do. It lessens your irrational fears and insecurities instead of expanding them. It erodes the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness instead of hardening them even further.

I don't care if your ex has a Lingerie-model bod, a bursting social circle traversing all seven continents, or a bazillion dollars in their bank account. Are they worth your time, energy, and effort? Do you enjoy being around them? Do they treat you well?

These are the questions you should be asking yourself.

Ultimately, instead of looking for new tactics, strategies, and ninja tricks to get your ex back, improve yourself. The only real get-your-ex-back advice is self-improvement. Hell, the only real dating and relationship advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Eat well. Work out. Conquer your anxieties. Overcome your insecurities. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Otherwise, no one else will.