3 BELIEFS THAT KEEP YOU STUCK feeling HEARTBroken
Welcome to another weekly newsletter, lovingly named the “Beyond The Breakup Newsletter.”
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Today, as the title suggests, we’re exploring three harmful beliefs about love that keep people stuck inside an endless cycle of heartbreak.
My aim with this edition of the weekly newsletter is to expand your awareness to the point where you can dislodge these faulty beliefs from your mind and get unstuck – or never even get stuck in the first place. Let’s me give you some context before we start. I promise not to be boring 😛
Around 1750, an ideology and movement known as romanticism emerged from the depths of broken hearts and emotional turmoil. Artists and intellectuals spread Romantic ideas throughout the world, and soon, they became deep-seated beliefs in society’s eyes and gave countless people a false perception of what love is and what relationships should be like.Now, out of hundreds of Romantic beliefs, there are three that are most prevalent and relevant today, in my opinion. These are the ones that I’m going to present and describe to you and then explain why each is toxic. So let’s get on with it.
BS BELIEF #1: MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE SHOULD THRIVE FOREVER!
Romanticists preach that the same lust, passion, and immense, often crazy and reckless love you feel the first few months in a relationship will and should stay intact even after your relationship has years and years of experiences and ups and downs behind it.
They also believe that sex is the ultimate expression of love that it should never become repetitive. In Romanticists, they that a relationship devoid of neverending sex means failure.
Now here’s how this mindset can keep you nestled in a vast cloak of hurt and disappointment. After months of staying in a relationship, you become aware that things do get boring at times and that sex is not something you or your partner are always in the mood for. Don’t get me wrong, experimentation does help, but it doesn’t make sex the same as when you’ve just met your partner.
If you think the above experiences are normal, which they are, you wound’t really be all that affected too much. However, if you’re a true Romanticist, these experiences would shake you to the core and back since they are far from the ideals you believe in. As a result of your shock and disbelief, you would either leave your partner or cause so much drama by forcing things to be different that they would leave you.
And when your relationship would end, you would find another one, get hit by reality again, and lose even that one. Rinse. Recycle. Repeat. Welcome to the endless heartbreak loop, bitch!
BS BELIEF #2: there’s always a soul mate
Romanticists love the idea of a soul mate or “the one.” A perfect partner who meets their every need loves them in all the right ways, understands them immediately, ends all their suffering or loneliness, and stays with them till the end of time.
But here’s the problem with believing that unicorn-partners exists. It makes you incredibly unflexible in your relationships and unaccepting of your future partners. In other words, you’re just going to act like a looney when you realize that your partner changes over time and that whoever might be compatible with you today might not be compatible anymore ten years down the line.
Another thing Romanticists hold close to their dainty heart when talking about soul mates is their notion that this soul mate should in some way complete them. This belief is a one-way ticket to codependency. In the real world, a healthy relationship is all about sharing your completeness with another human being – you have to love yourself first if you ever want to love someone else effectively.
Now how does this belief keep you stuck in heartbreak on repeat? It’s easy. In the same way as the last one.
When a Romanticist realizes that there is no perfect partner, no pre-ordained lovers, they either think they are not in the right relationship and end things, or they cause so much havoc that their partner leaves them.
BS BELIEF #3: I must always follow my feelings and intuition
Romanticists claim that we should always let our feelings and intuition lead our decisions and guide us through this barren wasteland of randomly plotted and spluttered particles we call life.
However, I find this ideal the most enormous and densest turd in the whole pungent shit sandwich of romanticism inspired beliefs.
I mean, think about this:
Let’s say you just broke up with your ex due to their incompatibility. Now, you find yourself worried and frustrated and keep thinking, “I still love my ex. Maybe I should try and win them back. I don’t know. It just feels right.” If you consider these feelings as your Truth, you would naturally try to act in accordance with them.
However, in reality, you would be shooting yourself in the foot, at least in this example. You see, even if you by some miracle get back with your ex, you’re just going to break up again because you were fundamentally incompatible with them from the get-go. And no, you can’t, nor shouldn’t change them to be a better fit for you.
Bottom line: even if something feels good, it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good.
As a side warning, the whole “follow your emotions” shenanigans turned into a new age religion these days, and people take it way too damn seriously.
Just type “life coach” in google, and check out some of the websites. I bet you a hundred bucks and a shit sandwich that each page tells you something about trusting your feelings and intuition. These beliefs are a scam.
Your feelings don’t carry any spiritual weight, and they are not some commandments from the universe. They are merely biological processes that tell you what’s feels good/bad.
However, one thing is certain about them. Positive feelings make millions. That’s mostly the reason – in my opinion, the main reasons – why the self-development industry puts such grand emphasis on them.Conclusively, the believers of Romantic ideals have zero knowledge of what genuine love is, they have no idea about the concept of compatibility, and are blinded by the real functions behind their emotions.
In the end, I would say these people are toxic, delusional, and fated to suffer in their love life because whatever they do, their relationships won’t be what they expect (and demand), and whoever their lover, they won’t ever be able to measure up to them along the lines of romantic ideals.
They won’t ever be the fully compatible person who completes them in every way, shape, or form. And no, they are not able change them.