Monday Newsletter #5

ON LOVE, MORE LOVE AND TIME

Welcome to another weekly newsletter, lovingly named the “Beyond The Breakup Newsletter.” 

It’s the newsletter that provides you with big ideas on how to grow and improve as a person and build better relationships so you can avoid a future breakup.

sign up and join the adventure!

Along with the fancy weekly newsletter, I’m also going to give you access to 4 exercises that will help you stop obsessing over your ex as soon as you sign up.

Today we’re talking about these three sweet and succulent topics:

Let’s begin.

1. Love is overrated

There is one problem when it comes to love – it’s often over-idealized and overhyped. Don’t get me wrong, it’s useful and necessary, but prioritizing it as a “God value” will make you do some incredibly fucked up shit. Here, let me paint a picture for you:

Let’s say that your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend. Now you probably value loyalty to some degree, but you value love way more. So in the name of love, you will give this person one more chance, and after they cheat on you again next week, you give them another one. The cycle keeps repeating over and over and over. Each time you give your ex another chance to rekindle things, you lose another shard of respect, but hey, you love them, so you stay stuck in a toxic relationship and think that if you just keep loving them, their behavior will change someday.

We can easily get swallowed by love. So the solution is to put other healthy values on top of it; those are values like loyalty, respect, humility, honesty, or trust. In other words, we shouldn’t take love so damn seriously, build unrealistic outlooks and expectations around it, or sacrifice ourselves.

Ultimately, love does not fix every relationship problem, nor does it penetrate everything. Betting on it to take care of all your love life challenges, bring your ex back, or fix your partner’s compatibility is wasted hope. I would even argue that most people keep emotionally torturing themselves by chasing after their ex and then staying in a loveless relationship, or ones where the partner is now who they really want. So stop idealizing love and put healthier values on top of it.

2. the right way to love yourself after a breakup

At its core, self-love is the view you have towards your failures; it’s the state of appreciation for yourself grown out of numerous actions directed towards your personal, psychological, and spiritual growth.

Ultimately self love even influences much of your needy tendencies. The more self-love you possess, the less needy you will be, and vice versa.

If you love and care for yourself, you’re not going to have an overwhelming need to do everything right, correct, or perfect the first time. Instead, you’re going to be more willing to fail because you understand that this is where actual growth comes from.

And loving yourself doesn’t mean that you only care about yourself — quite the opposite. If you find love and compassion within, you will inevitably radiate it outwards. On the other hand, if you don’t find love and compassion within yourself, you won’t be able to broadcast it outwards, and you’ll be a rude, shallow person as a result. 

The most significant step you can take towards self-love is to accept your flaws and embrace them and be willing to show them. 

However, there are multitudes of other ways of showing yourself love. For example, you can cultivate it by taking yourself to the cinema, indulging in countless numbers of crusty and savory pizza rolls, or going on a seven-day hike all by yourself to unwind. 

But here’s the catch. 

If you’re doing these things because it’s what you think you should do or because of any outside influences (like me telling you to do it), it’s not self-love, but if you do it unconditionally, it is.

This means that if you take yourself to the cinema or make yourself a bubble bath just because some random dude on the internet told you to, you’re not really participating in self-love. But if you do the same things because you enjoy doing them, then you are doing self-love right. 

In short, a healthy form of self-love is all about the right intentions, not necessarily the actions you take.

3. time itself won’t heal your wounds

Time does not heal your wounds after a breakup. It helps, don’t get me wrong, but your full recovery is mostly dependent on your actions and the mindset you possess.

Actions:

Your daily actions and mindset dictate how fast or slow it will take for you to move on and get your power back after your breakup. 

For example, the essential actions such as journaling, mediation, keeping a somewhat stable social life, daily exercising, and a good diet will go a long way in helping you recover.

Mindset:

When it comes to mindset, don’t push the icky post-breakup feelings away or try to cover them up because those actions will only make things worse. Instead, work on pushing the bad emotions out by crying, punching things, screaming, or any other healing modalities. Then when you feel into them, accept them for what they are: time-sensitive.

In other words, they will go away completely at some point, and that’s when you’ll be able to move on fully. But again, that’s only done through the right mindset and consistent healing focused action that I’ve mentioned earlier.

The #1 thing that kept me stable when I was were going through a breakup is the mindset of, “everything around me is shit right now, but in the end, I’ll survive.”

Remember, outward pessimism, inward optimism.