Monday Newsletter #24

A simple habit for building confidence and self-esteem

Welcome to another weekly newsletter, lovingly named the “Beyond The Breakup Newsletter.” 

It’s the newsletter that provides you with big ideas on how to grow and improve as a person and build better relationships so you can avoid a future breakup. 

sign up and join the adventure!

Along with the fancy weekly newsletter, I’m also going to give you access to 4 exercises that will help you stop obsessing over your ex as soon as you sign up.

While doing research for the expansion of my self-esteem article, I came across a nifty little technique that I want to share with you.

so… what is it?

The technique goes by many names; the do-something principle, ready-aim-fire, just do it method and falling forward. For simplicity’s sake, let’s just call it “The art of doing something.” 

The idea of the “art of doing something” is that if you lack self-esteem and confidence in a particular life area, taking small actions towards a certain goal in that area helps you build or improve the two aspects.

2. typical breakup survivor example

For most breakup survivors, the primary area of concern is their love life. Most are afraid of dating after their breakup. They have high anxiety about sparking conversations with strangers.They fear asking others out, especially the people they like. And they often consider themselves unworthy of love in general.

The way you could implement the “art of doing something” into this problem is by going out and developing your social skillsMore specifically, if you’re not confident with asking a person out or or telling them that you like them, chose an easier action to start with. 

For instance, just greeting the strangers you find attractive that pass you by. And only when that start feeling comfortable with that action, start engaging in small talk, and move up from there, until you gain enough confidence in this particular area to start asking people out.

The best part about the “art of doing something” is that it makes you more motivated and inspired to do more after you took a small action in a certain area. In this case, once you asked a dozen people about their day, for instance, you often also the next one directly for their phone number. At least, that was the case when I was still a dating coach. 

Soon those tiny actions you kept taking add up, and you’re left with a significant result. In this case, a nice date, or in the long term, a new (hopefully) lasting and healthy relationship.

3. examples from all walks of life

Fitness: If you’re not confident with going to the gym and doing a full workout, start with just going to the gym — drive to the place with no intention of exercising. Chances are that your pragmatic senses will activate, and you’ll think, “Since I’m already here, I might at least do a short workout.”

Health: If you’re not confident about switching to a radically new diet all of a sudden, start with replacing one meal from your day under that new diet. From there, people usually get motivated to replace another meal from their day. Then any other ones. And soon, they’re on an entirely new diet. And after time, they’re totally confident about living on that diet, despite the side-effects it brings.

Business: If you lack the confidence to create a huge new product, like a full video course on knitting, create only a tiny portion of it. Maybe one module. Then take a break. Usually, like in the previous examples, you’ll skip the break and go create another module. And then another one. And another. All, until you’re done with the whole thing.

Over the years, I’ve also noticed this profound yet simple principle in my life. Sometimes I don’t feel like writing. I feel demotivated, lethargic, or simply unsure of myself.

However, despite a lack of energy, esteem, and confidence around the task, I found out that if I force myself to write at least 100 words, those 100 words soon turn into 500, then those 500 into 1000, and on and on it goes.

Basically, by doing a tiny advancement on a big task, I get the momentum that pushes me to finish the whole thing and not stay locked in analysis paralysis, obsessive and anxious thoughts, or overthinking patterns. Also, the more momentum I get, the more confidence and self-esteem I develop around whatever I’m doing.

Ultimately, whenever you’re trying to improve your self-esteem and confidence in a particular area of life, don’t let your lack of motivation or any other mind-barriers stop you. Just do something! Use the art of doing something. Take a small step towards whatever you’re trying to achieve, and soon you’ll lose the psychological shackles that separate that keep you stuck in place.