Monday Newsletter #20

On therapy, loneliness and texting an ex

Welcome to another weekly newsletter, lovingly named the “Beyond The Breakup Newsletter.” 

It’s the newsletter that provides you with big ideas on how to grow and improve as a person and build better relationships so you can avoid a future breakup.

sign up and join the adventure!

Along with the fancy weekly newsletter, I’m also going to give you access to 4 exercises that will help you stop obsessing over your ex as soon as you sign up.

1. What’s the deal with therapy

Many people bounce back and forth with the idea of going to therapy after their breakup. Yet, if you find the right therapist, the experience can be incredibly beneficial for your emotional well-being.

A good therapist will act as the examiner — the person asking “Why?” They will lead you to question your inner world, consider new perspectives on your crisis, and help you realize new things about yourself. They will also give you an outside and objective perspective on your breakup situation.

The idea behind therapy is identical to meditation, journaling, and dream reporting we mentioned earlier. In all four cases, what you’re doing is trying to make your mind’s unconscious aspects conscious. And when you achieve this, you’ll be able to exercise control over them. This is generally how you learn to take care of your mental and emotional health.

For example, suppose you always felt uncontrollably anxious when your ex hasn’t called you back. In that case, there’s probably something hidden within your unconscious, causing you to react in such a senseless manner. By attending therapy, you can start burrowing into your past and examine your life problems, personal challenges, and traumas in detail to find the trigger for your anxiety.

Maybe it was because you had a neglecting father to whom you always tried to prove yourself. Maybe it was because you had a mother who loved you only under certain conditions. Or maybe it’s a result of some childhood trauma you’ve encountered.

A therapist will help you figure these things out. And when that happens, you’ll be able to process your anxiety in a safe environment. This will further allow you to become more aware of your anxiety and, therefore, not feel so powerless to the outbursts when they happen. In time, you should be able to exercise enough emotional control to modify your behavior.

If you’re interested in a deeper dive into this topic, I’ve written a whole section about it in this article.

forms of therapy 

Psychology has produced an insane number of therapy forms. And all of them give the same results — they all work. Some forms of therapy are just catered to different types of people.

So, If you’re looking for therapy due to your breakup pain, here are the types I tried and also recommended to other men and women in the past.

2. The best way to deal with loneliness

One of the best ways to deal with loneliness is to find a group of people who are going through the same shit you are. Years ago, amid my breakup, I had difficulty applying this little technique into my life, primarily because I’m an introvert, but in the end, I’m glad I did.

I was lucky enough to find myself in a group full of people, who just like me, recently came out of a breakup. This group became my home for a short period. Participating in it was a breeze because I could relate to most people there; most of them were recovering love addicts who got dumped — just like I was.

I understand that you might not be so lucky to just stumble on a group full of people with the same issues as you, but don’t sweat because there’s a workaround to the whole thing: online groups and forums.

And before you raise a brow, I’ve done the research for you. Online groups/forums work just as well as real-life groups.

So go and find your crowd and participate in it. If you have a real-life group full of breakup survivors, awesome. But if not, simply type “breakup” into:

a) Facebook search, and you’ll find related groups (my top pick)

b) Reddit search, and you’ll find related communities (my top pick

c) Google search, and you’ll find niche forums on the topic. Obviously, my top pick is going to be my own forum in this case.

While you’re meeting new people, be that online or offline, keep in mind that according to recent studies, it’s more beneficial and therapeutic if you participate in group discussions rather than one on one interactions when it comes to overcoming loneliness.

So what are you waiting for? Go and find a group of people who share the same problem as you and join them. The bigger, more participatory, and active the group is, the better.

3. Should you text your ex? (A scientific quiz)

So, after doing some market research this morning, I saw this. So naturally, I had to steal it. (Source)

Instructions: Add up your score to find out if you should text your ex!

Q1: How long ago did you guys break up?

a) >6 Months—8 points

b) 4-6 Months—6 Points

c) 2-4 Months—4 Points

d) <2 Months—2 Points

Q2: Who initiated the breakup?

a) I did—8 points

b) They did—6 Points

c) It was mutual—4 Points

d) There was no breakup; one of us ghosted the other—2 Points

Q3: Why do you want to text them?

a) To see how they’re doing—8 points

b) To see if we can be friends —6 Points

c) To get them back—4 Points

d) To incomprehensibly rant about my feelings—2 Points

The Results

6: Don’t text them

7-12: Don’t text them

12-20: Don’t text them

20-24: Don’t text them

>24: Work on your math skills, then don’t text them.