Monday Newsletter #13

3 dumbest Things I’ve Done To Avoid Dealing With My Breakup

Welcome to another weekly newsletter, lovingly named the “Beyond The Breakup Newsletter.” 

It’s the newsletter that provides you with big ideas on how to grow and improve as a person and build better relationships so you can avoid a future breakup.

sign up and join the adventure!

Along with the fancy weekly newsletter, I’m also going to give you access to 4 exercises that will help you stop obsessing over your ex as soon as you sign up.

Here are the dumbest and stupidest things I’ve done to rid myself of pain after heartbreak – a.k.a, today’s topics:

Let’s get right into it.

I tried fucking, drinking, and partying my pain away

For a long time after my breakup, the women I dated were mere objects to me. One would call then divine beasts. The kind that I manipulated into attraction displayed for status and penetrated so I could feel better about myself to raise my self-esteem.

I developed this toxic attitude because I believed it would help me rid my mind of my pain. But, It didn’t. 

So next, I added drinking and partying to my weekly schedule. 

“Maybe that could make me feel better?” 

I was never into the night clubs, but I did enjoy getting wasted outdoors with other lost souls.

To be honest, my crazy lifestyle was a blast for a time. I’ve learned a lot about myself, my sexuality, and my booze tolerance amid that time. Yet, the lifestyle I had was not sustainable – not in the long term, at least.

Every bottle of cheap beer I chugged, and every shot of stolen vodka I gulped down, was only a way I masked my misery.

So, what can you learn from my fuckups? 

Well, it’s pretty gosh darn simple. 

Don’t try to suppress your pain by drinking, fucking, and partying. It never works out and only prolongs your suffering.

As a rule of thumb, only do these fun things when you’ve genuinely moved on from your ex.

I played the victim and took 0% responsibility for my breakup.

Playing the victim is not an alien reaction to heartbreak – many people commit to it. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less self-destructive.

Seeing yourself as the victim always starts with thoughts like “I don’t deserve this hurt!” or “I deserve to be happy!” or “Life’s not fair – it shouldn’t be this way! I shouldn’t feel like this!” 

When you begin to see yourself in this way, you give up the power to take any responsibility for yourself. Thus, you lose your ability to control your behaviors and reactions. 

You can probably guess that that has horrid consequences…

The way you can get out of this lethal mindset is by retaking full responsibility. 

Start by accepting the uncomfortable fact that you don’t deserve to feel a certain way or to have XYZ. The world doesn’t owe you anything. You’re just as lost, vulnerable, and abandoned as the rest of us, buster. You’re not special.

And sure, maybe the breakup was not your fault, but you can still take responsibility for it and stop blaming the other person. Your ex-partner is not always a bitch, or an ass-hole, or a toxic fruitloop for hurting you. Those are often your biases speaking.

The sooner you accept those things, the faster you’re going to be able to take responsibility for your life. Thus, you’ll be able to move on from your ex quicker.

I badmouthed my ex

I’ve been infamous for badmouthing. Whenever I was pissed off at my exes, I reached out to my friends and went on a fire-dumpster-like riff about them.

I cursed their guts, their height, their weight, and their personality. I even mocked their families and accused them of being cheaters or liars when they weren’t.

(Thank you for listening to my ramblings, dear friends. You know who you are.)

When I look back on my toxic behavior, I can see that they didn’t diminish my pain at all. Even though I thought they would. 

Now here’s the weird part. 

Out of all the ways people deal with their breakup pain, badmouthing their ex is the most common response. I’ve seen this time and time again among my clients and readers. 

So do yourself a favor and keep your behaviors in check. You don’t want to talk shit about your ex behind his or her back just because they hurt you – that won’t solve anything.

I tried to get my ex back

What’s this? I thought you only give out 3 cool ideas on your weekly newsletters, Max?

Well, my dear reader, rules are meant to be broken. Including the ones, I’ve made for myself. So let’s get into this “bonus section.”

When I was 15, I got my heart shattered for the first time. My ex dumped me because I was a wishy-washy teenager who lacked a spine and unique opinions. Thankfully, this wasn’t a major breakup. But still, I was enraged with my ex.

“How could the bitch do this to me!”

In those days, my go-to strategy to lessen the pain was to try and win my ex back.

My attitude was, “My ex-girlfriend left me, and it hurts. But if I get her back, I won’t feel this anymore.”

What I didn’t know was that this was a losing strategy. One YOU should absolutely avoid implementing into your life.

Here’s how it would play out. Even If I got my ex back (which I didn’t), we would just break up again shortly. This is because the same things that killed the relationship for the first time would still linger for round two.