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You’ve probably heard of the term fuckboy. According to the Urban-Dictionary, it refers to a weak, needy, and contemptible man who will do anything to get the women he likes to go out with him, even if it’s ethically questionable. He measures his self-worth by the number of women he sleeps with. He makes them think they’re individually special, while he only cares about himself.
Years ago, I was this person. I was an epitome of a fuckboy.
The women I dated were mere objects to me. I proudly manipulated them into attraction, displayed them for status, and penetrated them only so I could feel better about myself.
I deliberately sought out women with heaps of emotional issues strewn around their minds. They were the most relatable, after all… and the easiest to manipulate into having sex with me.
Even if the high of a new hook-up or a kiss lasted for only a moment, it was at least a moment in which I could forget about my conviction that I’m unlovable and worthless — a moment where I could feel like I meant something.
And what do you fucking know: the catalyst that made me embark on this shallow and immature, yet cum-filled journey of self-deceit and emotional abuse was a simple breakup. I was about 16 when it hit me.
Surprisingly that same thrilling yet nauseating journey had wholesome underlining. My time getting lost in the warm embraces of strangers was also a time of rapid self-discovery and personal growth.
Looking back at it now, I can discern ten valuable lessons from that period. The sort of lessons that changed my life for the better — the sort of lessons that may change yours as well.
1. A Lesson On Pain
You can’t escape your pain. You can’t drink, fuck, date, or party it away. You can’t cry, complain or scream it out. You can’t bite, punch or kick the bitch out of your system. You even can’t therapy it away!
You just have to get good at feeling heartbroken.
Personal growth always equates to enduring a certain amount of pain. Thus, feeling pain is good — it makes you a better, more resilient person. So feel every inch of the fucker.
The only way to move on from heartbreak is to accept all the feelings that come with it — the good and the bad. Besides, as humans, we were made to feel the full spectrum of emotions, not just a small part of it.
2. A Lesson On vulnerability
The more you try to hide your flaws, the more flawed you’ll feel. And then you’ll either get depressed and start feeling sorry for yourself, or you’ll start boasting and faking who you are to overcompensate for your lack of self-esteem — none of which are attractive options.
Fortunately, there is a way out of the grey and painful abyss: vulnerability.
Address your flaws and imperfection. Change those that hinder you from personal growth, accept the others. It’s okay to be imperfect and flawed. Live authentically. Humans are attracted to each other’s rough edges, after all.
“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” — By Brene Brown
3. A Lesson On Fallacies
More dates won’t make you happy, at peace, or less heartbroken. This was a harsh lesson for me. Due to the ego-boost I got whenever an attractive girl went out with me. I thought, “the more women I hook up with, the happier I’ll be.”
Turns out, my belief was a delusion — a fallacy. More dates, more parties, more experiences… nothing helped me get over my ex or feel better.
Sure, I did forget about her while laying on the lap of some random hottie with half a brain (my go-to type in the past), but that was just a high. As soon as our date was over, the emptiness enveloped me once again, and all I could feel was pain.
I’ve simply been using my dates as distractions or ways to numb myself from my breakup pain. Who knew… Don’t make the same mistake. Only start dating after your breakup when you’re ready and when dating genuinely feels fun and exciting for you.
4. A Lesson On Choices
The more choices you have, the less enticing each one feels. This phenomenon is called the “paradox of choice.” It states that the more choices we are presented with, the more dissatisfied we become with picking any one of them.
When it comes to dating, the definition of the paradox goes like this: “the more dating choices you have, the less each one of them means to you.” This tendency was excruciatingly vivid in my love life in the past.
For example, when I was seeing only one woman, I valued our time together way more than when I’ve been seeing 20 at the same time. In fact, at that point, about 70% of my dates with them felt meaningless and like I was just wasting my time.
I’m not saying being promiscuous is bad. It’s not. All I’m saying is that when you’re promiscuous because you’re grieving and don’t have your emotional shit in order, then it becomes bad.
5. A Lesson On Scarcity
Humans have a strong scarcity bias. We unconsciously assume that scarce things are more valuable than those which are abundant. For example, the more someone is available, the less you’ll want them, and vice versa.
For example, when I was picking up chicks, the more I pretended that I wasn’t interested, the more they wanted me. Same story applies when I was trying to get my ex back. The more I pretended not to like her, the more she texted and shown interest in me.
But then again, acting like you don’t like someone when you in reality do, is manipulation. It’s unethical and immoral. And while it does get results in the short term, it fails spectacularly in the long.
Don’t rely on scarcity games to fix your love life. You’re not 12 anymore.
6. A Lesson On Insecurities
Breakups amplify your insecurities, and then those insecurities sabotage your whole love life. You’ve probably felt this at some point..
For example, I was frequently insecure when my exes hung out with their guy-friend in the past. I always thought they would flirt with them and cheat on me.
And whenever I got into a breakup with those exes, that insecurity only got more intense and caused greater havoc. Sometimes it made me sabotage my dates. Other times, it brought down entire relationships.
7. A Lesson On Time
Time heals most wounds. But not all of them.
Time makes you feel great and like yourself. It makes you happy and content with life. It helps you get into a peaceful state. It makes you think less of your ex, and curtails any sort of rumination you may be having about them.
However, time does not heal trauma. It doesn’t make you discover the reasons your relationships keep failing or why you keep attracting the same types of person over and over again.
Only action does that, be that meditation, journaling, therapy, exercising, updating your lifestyle, or becoming a monk and recoiling into some obscure cave where you jerk-off to stick and rocks for the next ten years, etc.
8. A Lesson On Love
Love by itself is not enough to keep a relationship afloat. You have to prioritize healthier values like trust, respect, honesty, or loyalty above it.
Otherwise, you’ll eventually sacrifice your identity and self-respect in the name of love and get massively hurt as a result (see: the partner who keeps coming back to a cheating ex because they oh-so love them).
Let me make this easy for you:
- Love does not equal compatibility.
- Love will not solve your relationship issues.
- Love is not worth sacrificing for.
As a great thinker once said, “love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.”
9. A lesson On Emotions
Technically, five lessons.
There are no good and bad emotions, only good and bad responses to emotions. You can be angry and punch your best friend, or you can be angry and go see a therapist.
You can’t control your emotions. So don’t try to. Channel them into a productive direction instead — work, fitness, dating, social life, school/studies, etc.
You’ll never get good at managing all your emotions. But you will become good at managing some of them. I, for example, suck at managing my pride, but I’m pretty good at managing anxiety and insecurity.
Your emotions are not that deep. Listen to them, follow your intuition, but don’t take them too seriously.
Just because you feel like shit doesn’t mean everything around you is shit. Your emotions are simply feedback mechanisms. They’re not signs your life is going down the shitter or that the universe is conspiring against you. Those are only fairytales you’ve made up about your emotions.
10. A Lesson On Chances
You have more than one chance at love. A simple “hello” could lead to a fun date. Then that fun date could lead to more fun dates. And in a matter of months, you may end up in a mind-blowingly meaningful and beautiful relationship that lasts for a lifetime.
But if that doesn’t happen — if nothing lasting sprouts from your relationship or date — don’t worry.
You still have the ability to say “hello,” to that other cute girl or guy you’ve been checking out. And this time, you might build something lasting with them… Or you might not. But where’s the fun in knowing!
Embrace the uncertainty of life — it’s the only certainty.
If you need more help healing from your breakup, check out my Radical Recovery Course. It includes hours of video and hundreds of pages of writing, and a community with exclusive weekly videos, private chat, and 1-on-1 coaching.
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