You’ve probably heard of the term fuckboy or player. According to the Urban-Dictionary, it refers to a man will do anything to get the women he likes to go out with him, even if it’s ethically questionable. He’s also the person who flirts with multiple women simultaneously and makes them all believe they’re individually special.
Well, years ago, I was this person. I was an epitome of a fuckboi.
The women I dated were mere objects to me. One would call then divine breasted beasts. The kind that I manipulated into attraction displayed for status and penetrated so I could feel better about myself – to raise my self-esteem.
In those early “sexploits“, I even deliberately sought out women who had heaps of emotional issues strewn around their minds. They were the most relatable… And the easiest to manipulate into becoming a notch on the bedpost.
Even if the high of a new hook-up or a kiss lasted for only a moment, it was at least a moment in which I could forget about my feeling of being unlovable – a moment where I could feel like I meant something.
So yeah, my life was pretty shallow back then.
And the catalyst that made me embark on this wicked cum-filled journey of self-deceit, and emotional abuse, was a simple breakup. I was about 16 when it befell me.
But surprisingly that same thrilling, yet nauseating journey had a wholesome underlining. My time getting lost in the embraces of strangers was also a time of rapid self-discovery and personal growth. One in which I learned things about myself and life that, well… changed my life!
In fact, the lessons from that period made me an infinitely more secure and well-rounded person. And guess what? They can help you achieve the same results, even if you’re heartbroken. So here they are:
1. a lesson on pain
You can’t escape your pain. You can’t drink, fuck, date, or party it away. You can’t cry, complain or scream it out. You can’t bite, punch or kick the bitch out of your system. You even can’t therapy it away!
You just have to get good at feeling heartbroken, and then accepting that emotion and all the ones around it.
Personal growth always equates to enduring a certain amount of pain. Thus, feeling pain is good – it makes you a better person. So lay down beneath the gaping sky and feel the very depth of your suffering.
The only way to move on from heartbreak is to accept all the feelings that come with it – the good and the bad. Besides, as humans, we were made to feel the full spectrum of emotions, not just a small part of it. So, work on that, and you’ll be fine.
2. A LESSON ON vulnerability
The more you try to mask your flaws, the more flawed you’ll feel. When heartbroken, we often succumb to feeling unworthy or lesser compared to others. In other words, we become more dissatisfied with ourselves.
Many people try to mask this dissatisfaction by doing one of two things. Either they overcompensate for their flaws (I.e.boasting), or they shut down. (I.e. emotionally close off ).
Unsurprisingly, both of those reactions to combating self-dissatisfaction only lead to feeling more of the same. That is, even more dissatisfaction! Think of it as a self-fulfilling prophecy or a paradox.
So what can you do to get out of the conundrum and start feeling better about yourself?
For starters, open the fuck up. That is, dare to be vulnerable. Then address your blemishes – your flaws – then try not to change them.
In fact, stop trying to change yourself altogether. Instead, accept yourself, and live your life authentically – by embracing who you are, warts and all.
We’re all damaged individuals either way. The wise, secure, and healthy ones are just more honest about this than others.
“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
— By Brene Brown
3. A LESSON ON human fallacies
More dates won’t make you happy, at peace of less heartbroken. This was a harsh lesson for me. Due to the ego-boost I got whenever an attractive girl went out with me, I thought, “the more women I hook up with, the happier I’ll be.”
In reality, my belief was a delusion – a fallacy.
More dates, more parties, more experiences…nothing helped me get over my ex or the fact that I felt like a shit about myself.
Sure, I did forget about my issues while laying on the lap of a hottie I met, but that was just a high – a feeling that didn’t last. I still felt empty by the end of the day, no matter what.
After months, I’ve figured out where I was going wrong.
It turned out that all the fun experienced I indulged myself with were just distractions. Maybe even an addiction. They kept me from overcoming my grief and improving my low self-esteem.
Due to this realization, I stopped dating for a while. Instead, I’ve committed to investing in myself. I know that sounds cheesy, but at that moment, everything truly changed for me!
Not only did I begin to feel better. I also started dating again. But this time, my intentions were not to forget or escape my pain – they were to have fun and to build meaningful connections.
Besides, at that point, I already overcame my heartbreak. And to top it all off, I replaced all my classic pickup tricks with honesty and vulnerability. Yay!
4. A LESSON ON CHOICES
The more choices you have, the less enticing each one feels. This phenomenon is called the “paradox of choice.” It states that the more choices we are presented with, the more dissatisfied we become with picking any one of them.
When it comes to dating, the definition of this paradox would go like this: “the more dating choices you have, the less each one of them will mean to you.” This was very veracious in my love life.
For example, when I was seeing only one woman, I valued our time together way more than when I’ve been seeing 20 at the same time. In fact, at that point, about 70% of my dates with them felt meaningless – like I was just wasting my time.
5. A LESSON ON SCARCITY
The more someone is available, the less you’ll want them. Humans have a strong scarcity bias. We unconsciously assume that scarce things are more valuable than those which are abundant.
For example, when I was picking up chicks, the more I pretended that I wasn’t interested, the more they wanted me.
But then again, that’s the equivalent of pretending to be someone you’re not, in my case, someone more confident. So the more times I’ve done that, the less confident I actually felt. (Remember lesson 1?)
This concept also goes hand in hand with getting an ex-lover back. The more you’re trying to chase after them, the more available you’re making yourself. And the more available you’re making yourself, the less attractive or valuable you’ll look in their eyes.
So ultimately, getting an ex back becomes harder with each advancement you make, but easier with each one they make.
6. A LESSON ON POST-BREAKUP INSECURITIES
Breakups amplify your insecurities; then those insecurities can sabotage your whole love life. You’ve probably felt this at some when heartbroken.
For example, I was frequently insecure when my exes hung out with their guy-friend in the past. I always thought they would flirt with them and cheat on me because I felt like I was “beneath them.”
And whenever I got into a breakup with those exes, that insecurity – the feeling of not being good enough – only amplified and caused havoc. Sometimes it made me sabotaged my dates; other times, whole relationships.
So how can you avoid falling victim to your insecurities?
In short, it’s hard. You need to become happy and content with yourself without needing external things to make you feel that way. Be that a person, an item, or an experience.
In other words, you have to learn to fill your own cup without taking any liquid from the cups of anything external. Some heartbroken people can do this in only a few months with minimal self-work, but others need years of therapy to break out of their toxic shell.
7. A LESSON ON TIME AND RECOVERY
Time does not heal your wounds, you heal them. This is probably one of the most common misconceptions any heartbroken soul has. So, let’s set the record straight.
Time does help you recover. However, a commitment to consistent self-improvement makes everything so much quicker and easier. Just don’t forget to cut out self-improvement from your life when you’re actually healed. There’s little to no use to it, from that point on.
8. A LESSON ON ATTRACTING NEW PARTNERS
The best way to attract a new partner is to not try to attract them. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but it’s true. The best way to find a new lover — committed or otherwise — is by not needing or desperately hunting for one to be happy.
In fact, the more you invest in yourself and the happier you are by yourself, the more likely it is that you’re going to attract a sexual relationship without any fuss.
9. A LESSON ON LOVE
Love is a paradox. Love makes us feel happier, more connected and gives our life a certain degree of meaning. But at the same time, it can make us stay in toxic relationships or give our partners more chances to redeem themselves when they don’t deserve them – for example, in matters of betrayal.
At it’s worst, love can even lead us to despair and death. (Read: religious nuts) So, love wisely.
10. A LESSON ON CHANCES
Relax, you have more than one chance at love. A simple “hello” could lead to a fun date. Then that fun date could lead to more fun dates. And in a matter of months, you may end up in a mind-blowingly meaningful relationship that lasts for a lifetime.
But if that doesn’t happen – if nothing lasting sprouts from your relationship or date – don’t worry.
You still have the ability to say “hello,” to that other cute girl or guy you’ve been checking out. And this time, you might build something lasting with them… Or you might not. But where’s the fun in knowing! Embrace the uncertainty of life – it’s the only certainty.