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One of the biggest realizations I had this year is that ex-back advice really is just self-improvement in disguise.
Let me be a bit more specific. What I realized is that becoming more attractive and maximizing your chances of getting back with your ex largely boils down to an internal process, a shift in priorities and self-perception.
So rather than focusing on changing one’s outer behavior (i.e., what you say, how you present yourself, how you move, etc), it’s better to focus on mindset, emotional health, and beliefs. Once you improve those aspects, attractive behavior ensues without the need to think about it, and your chances of reconciliation rise.
Think I’m full of shit? Here’s some food for thought.
Keep getting friend-zoned or rejected? Stop submitting yourself to a position where you can be friend-zoned or rejected. To do this, stop reaching out to your ex, manage the needy tendencies propelling you to run after them, and expand your self-awareness to where you can notice how you come across mid-interaction (i.e., needy, non-needy, or something in between).
Ex keeps disrespecting you, stringing you along, or using you? Stop being a spineless idiot and assert some personal boundaries. Stand up for yourself and how you believe you should be treated. And move the fuck on if your ex can’t treat you how you want.
Constantly feeling overwhelmed, panicky, emotional, and can’t stop obsessing over your ex? Find something you care more about than getting them back. This can be anything: a cause or movement you believe in, another relationship, excelling in your career, or following a life purpose. Put differently, diversity your identity. Don’t make your ex the center of your universe, the sole source of your happiness. Care more about yourself and your life than them. Absorb happiness and meaning from numerous sources, not only one.
Believe your ex is your soulmate, that you can’t live without them, and that you’ll never find a better match? Realize that you’re bullshitting yourself, that those beliefs are baseless, unjustifiable, and harmful. Then work on dislodging them and acquiring new, more empowering ones. A good place to start is by simply asking yourself, “What if I’m wrong.”
Can’t stop seeking your ex’s validation and approval and are always trying to impress them? Spawn some self-respect. Don’t think about how to wow your ex next, inspire them to return or get them to throw you a compliment or two. Think about what’s your ex doing for you — are they trying to get your validation, your approval, your attention? Do they reciprocate your advances? Once you begin thinking with a bit more self-respect, act accordingly. Meaning that if your ex can’t give you what you want, you move on to someone who can.
Have difficulties gauging your ex’s level of interest, connecting with them, and opening them up emotionally? Start hanging out with more people and dating around. Then, while doing either, put an emphasis on developing social skills like storytelling, relating, flirting, using humor, and so forth. And approach your interactions with a higher dose of vulnerability than usual.
Need I go on?
Maybe this self-improvement stuff doesn’t sound too sexy, but get it in order, and re-attraction will likely sort itself out. That, or you’ll realize your ex was actually a pretty unsuitable partner and that you should find someone who’s a better fit. Nothing wrong with either conclusion.
The Uncomfortable Reality
Re-attraction — that is, the process of rekindling a romantic relationship — is not easy or quick, nor is it what you think it is.
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